Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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