Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
