there's paper in my vomit.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize