Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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