note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
