i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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