you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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