i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
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