I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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