do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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