I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
