It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
