I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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