Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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