My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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