A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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