rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
