Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You smell like stripper and shame
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
