dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
