I just gift wrapped bread.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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