Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Boobs are out for the taking
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
