He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
