apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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