i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
