I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I did not marry a roomba.
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