I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
