My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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