The maid of honor just puked.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize
