Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
