Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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