I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
