The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
