guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize