He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
