Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
