i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
