Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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