Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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