Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
