shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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