I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Randomize
