I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Randomize
