I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Too much gin, very little bucket
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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