Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
