I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
