Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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