There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
