My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
