I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
