I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
