i may or may not be watching the land before time
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
