New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize