My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
