A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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