guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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