LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
two words: eviction party
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
