You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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