Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
