I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
