Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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