Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
