Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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