My first STD was from a foam party
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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