All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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