Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
