had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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