I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
