an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
